So I have been working on a project. Just something that I wanted so I decided to try and go for it and finish it. However, due to certain circumstances, a lot of which were my own stupidity, i need to shelf this project. It's a hard thing to shelf, but in the end i know it's the right decision. I was naiive to believe it was something I could do. However, I plan on looking at the silver lining, now I can truly start anew. I feel like I'm taking a giant personal step  towards personal salvation or whatever.  All i know is that it's the right thing, no matter how hard to accept.

So I have come to the conclusion that I'm tired of being this girl. The girl that is always insecure and unsure about her place in the world. I have to start believing that I'm worth something in this world, otherwise i'm just wasting my time. So out with the old, in with the new. It's time to say good-bye to Sandra Dee.

So I was feeling crappy today. I hope it's just lack of sleep and I'm not actually coming down w/ something that will last a while. Whatever, it was a great excuse to sit at home, eat Chinese food, and watch "the bachelor", which I'm really glad Tessa won by the way. Today was fairly uneventful. I had class and voice lessons. My voice lessons are actually pretty fun. My voice coach is this crazy strict Russian woman. She's hilarious though. I've always wanted to take voice lessons so I'm glad I'm finally doing it. I didn't realize how much work it actually entails. You have to watch everything, how you stand, how you breath, how your moth moves, it's exhausting. Hopefully I'm learning something though. Watch out American Idol! Blah well this fever is starting to kick in so I'm gonna hit the sack, even though I've been napping for most of the day

Current Mood: sick
Current Music: Creed

It's 3:30 in the morning and I have yet to go to sleep, it's not even that I can't fall asleep. My body is telling me it's time to shut my eyes. Then why do I lay awake? Lately as I go to sleep my dreams have become a symbol for the constant churning inside my head. I have been dreaming of the things that are inside my head and my heart, and lately I have been wanting to hide from those feelings. So I lye awake and let my mind become a bitter-sweet numbness as I watch whatever bad television happens to be on. However, it is not keeping my mind from spinning. I can't escape these constant thoughts about my life. I feel has if I'm living in one big charade. This constant feeling that I'm hiding. I'm hiding from who I am, who I used to be and who I want to be. I can never settle or make up my mind. I'm constantly putting myself in a dream world, so much so that the real world will never match up. Things I thought I wanted I don't want, and things that I never wanted are the things I should want. Is it selfish of me to want? I am constantly feeling selfish. Perhaps I am. Maybe I'm just lonely. It's that kind of loneliness that creeps up on you because your to busy to notice it. It's the worst kind of loneliness. It's the kind that can't be solved by simple social contact, or physical contact. It's the kind that lies deep down in your soul and you are never sure of the cure. It's that feeling you feel when your lost on the highway trying to find your exit. You keep searching but the dark and the rain prevent you from seeing the sign. So you keep driving, and keep wandering in search of that sign that will lead you to where your going. I'm waiting patiently to stop being lost and to just find where I need to go. However, it just seems like the wait is becoming longer and longer and soon I fear I might be lost forever. Oh I'm sure forever is just an expression, no one can stay lost forever. We all find our way eventually. I just really hope I can find my exit soon.

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Elton John

Today I am seriously lacking motivation. I didn't have work or classes and it's raining cats and dogs so it seems like the perfect today to sit around and do absolutely nothing. I love lazy days like this. I only wish I could magically will food to come into my apartment cuz i don't really have anything to eat. I've pretty much gone to the Thai food place next door almost everyday this week. They know my name now. So much for dieting. I haven't had a lot of will power lately. I should just embrace my chubbiness and be done with it, I hate constantly worrying about my body. Honestly if I had a genie and could have 3 wishes, why most people would be wishing for money and power i would simply wish to be able to eat whatever i wanted without gaining any weight. That would be a magical thing. 

I am now continuing this from earlier in the day after I've had two pounds of cake. Where r u genie?!? Tonight was pretty mellow, i hung out w/ a couple of friends and we chilled and made cake. We started watching a movie but some other friends came by and it turned into a loud hang out. Then everyone left and now I am back to sitting and being lazy. Tomorrow i have to get motivated. Lots of things to do before I'm pizza slave girl at Uno.

Current Mood: lazy

My feet are killing me!!! Today was my first real shift at Uno and i forgot about how much your feet hurt waitressing. For the most part the job seems alright, they definitely work you hard though. Most of the people that I met seem pretty cool, I'm hoping I'll make some new friends. That sounded really lame. I walked around a little today before work, Boston really is a beautiful city. My head is swimming so much right now, I can't write any of it down, so instead you are just going to have deal with this very bland post. I love how I assume the whole world is reading this. For anyone who has actually taken the time to read any of these entries I only have one thing to say too you...I'm sorry. Basically the whole idea behind a journal is just another way to wallow in our own self pity. I'm a big believer in wallowing. However, today I simply have too many thoughts in my head to turn them into any form of cohesive sentences. I'm not depressed or anything, I guess I'm just sad. I'm sad that I feel this way. Sad that it doesn't make sense. Or maybe it makes perfect sense and I'm just too dumb to see it. Thats probably it. I used to think I was a fairly good judge of character. I was always convinced that I had this insane sixth sense. I thought I could read people, I was sure after meeting someone I had them completely figured out. Now the truth is I'm wrong about everyone. This whole year has put a harsh reality on my opinion on people. I used to have the optimistic believe that all people were good, but just made poor decisions. Now i know thats bullshit. You can't trust people. Thats why I'm not in Orlando right now. Recently I lost a friend because of a betrayal. Of course it's pretty much clear that this person was never actually a friend. I'm being dramatic. This whole thing happened forever ago so I need to stop dwelling on it. The end. I'm gonna go let my feet lie down.

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: Incubus

In short i feel like an idiot. I knew there was something i shouldn't do but i did it anyway. Though I know I shouldn't blame myself I still think it's my fault. I suppose I thought it would be different, but of course it never is. Maybe I just expect too much, or maybe I just can't handle reality. Whatever it may be I just know that I have to try and be more careful.

Current Location: My room
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Counting Crows

This is my first summer in Boston. The weather is really beautiful but also extremely hot! I was warned that it was going to be really hot but i guess i just thought it was an exaggeration. It's nice though, certainly better then the mind numbing cold! Classes seem to be going well but it's hard to get back into school mode. Being here in the summer is a very different feel, especially because all the people i used to hang out with are gone. I can't even remember the last time i didn't live with Elena. I'm having a blast in my new apartment though. I love having my own room and a gigantic bed. I just feel a little bit like I'm starting over at a new school. Being gone for six months certainly changed a lot of things. So last night I stayed up till like 3am watching "The Way we Were", haha i guess i miss my Mom because the two of us always used to watch it together. For any of you who have not seen the movie I highly reccomend it. It's a little on the sappy side I'll admit but it's just such a good story. I think i love it so much because it's real. It doesn't have a flowery hollywood ending like most romances. Well Peter got all of his furniture set up, our place looks really nice, starting to feel like a real home. I'm sort of in a blah mode so sorry this entry is not at all interesting. Well goodnight all and goodluck in the heat!

Current Location: living room
Current Mood: apathetic

I went to downtown crossing today because I needed to find a shirt for my new job. I wanted to walk because it was so beautiful outside today, but I was crunched for time so I grabbed the T. As I was waiting for the orange line to arrive I noticed this woman sitting on the stairs at the Ruggles station. At first I thought she was just one of the those run of the mill crazies who invade the T stations, but something about her made me look closer. This woman didn't just have that sad glow you normally see, this woman looked absolutely broken. Her face was so twisted with grief, it was heartbreaking. I watched as she cried softly on the stairs as people just walked right over her not even noticing as they proceeded on with their busy lives. A part of me just wanted to reach out and hug her, but I didn't. Ironically my ipod shuffle began to play The Verve's Bitter Sweet Symphony right as the T rushed into the station, it felt like the perfect song for that moment. My overactive mind began to wander has I listened to the somber melody, and I began to wonder about this woman on the stairs. What made her so sad? I began to think that maybe she lost someone close to her. Maybe her husband of twenty years lost his life after a battle with cancer, maybe a dear friend was in a horrific car accident. I thought back to the time I had seen a Mothers face after she found out her boy had died, that face will haunt me, god forbid anyone ever loose a child. My imagination began to run wild and a wave of sadness crashed over me, I wondered why she was alone. Then a horrible selfish thought hit me like a ton of bricks. I kept thinking about how it could be me. I could be the one crying on the stairs with no one looking up. I felt a rush of panic and bitterness begin to swell up inside me and then the song ended, and just like that the feeling stopped. It was then I realized that it never would be me. Sometimes I feel incredibly lonely and lost, but I know no matter how many of those feelings I get I'm never really alone. In life I believe we can have a million friends but only a handful of kindred spirits. Whether these kindred spirits are you parents, your friend, or your lover it doesn't matter because they are the people who will be there for you no matter what. I am a lucky enough to have some true kindred spirits in my life. It doesn't matter how many sour relationships I go through, or how many times my insecurities bring me down and get the better of me, I know that I will never be alone. I am going to propose a challenge for everybody. I want everyone to stop sweating the small stuff and start to appreciate the things you have. No matter how many things we have to complain about none of them are as important as the things we have to appreciate. And to the woman on the stairs, whoever you are, you are not alone.

Current Location: My room
Current Mood: thankful
Current Music: Snow Patrol

I'm in serious need of mass amounts of coffee! My classes don't star till 9:50 and I'm having trouble waking up for them. THis is not a good sign cuz next session i have a 8am! Ah well off too another day! See ya at Starbucks!

Current Mood: sleepy